Can you remember how exciting those long talks were when you were dating as you studied and learned about each other? Remember how you listened so intently to one another getting to know this person; their likes, dislikes, and dreams. Now, it may feel like you know everything about each other and there is nothing to really talk about. Yet, the longing to feel close and to really connect is still alive.
We have all been told that we are supposed to “date” our spouse and that we should carve out time for each other. Let’s face it, with work, kids, chores, and the demands of life, it can start to feel like another task that needs our attention. We don’t want it to feel this way, we long for a stress-free, fun time with our spouse. We want to really connect, laugh, share, and to feel that closeness again. Often, when we try to plan a fun evening, inevitably, we find the night ends with us talking about the kids, bills, or problems at work and we never really get to the laughing, sharing and truly connecting part. This can build up over time and often lead couples to feel disconnected or as if they need marriage counseling.
For those that find they are longing for deeper connection conversations, this is for you. I have put together a list of conversation starters to get you both talking and listening to one another again. I want you to dream, plan, and reminisce with each other. Use these conversation starter questions to get you talking, listening and to create intimacy while building a stronger marriage.
Take turns asking these of one another the questions and really listen to each other’s response. The person asking the question will be listening and then summarizing what you heard. Then let the conversation flow from there about the topic as you explore, reminisce, and dream together. When that topic is complete, the other partner will choose another question to ask, then listen and summarize what you heard and again, let the conversation flow.
Are ready to get started? Let’s go.
1. What are your favorite memories of our wedding day? What emotions were you feeling? What moment stands out in your mind?
2. If you could plan the perfect vacation for the two of us, 1) where would we go and 2) what would you want us to do together?
3. How do you imagine celebrating our upcoming wedding anniversary? What about our 50
4. At what times are you the most attracted to me?
5. Describe one of your favorite memories of a time we spent together?
6. How would you describe your faith/spiritual life right now?
7. What is your greatest source of stress right now? How can I support and encourage you?
8. Do you think we go out on enough dates together? How can we make more time for each other?
9. How do you imagine our life together in 10 years?
10. What are the three things I do that make you feel special and loved?
This is just a start. You can come up with many, many more of your own ideas for your next date night. There is also an app called Cardecks by Dr. John Gottman, a marriage therapist, and relationship expert, that you can both download to your phone and have a list of questions to pull from any time you find some time.
I recommend couples take turns planning the dates. One-person will get the sitter, plan an evening or event your spouse will enjoy then next time switch. Then the other spouse will plan the next evening or event their spouse will enjoy and get the sitter.
By making time to talk, plan, dream, and connect with small things, it will be much easier to talk about the big things. Also, try to keep the communication open and ongoing in your relationship so you can talk about problems as they arise. What if you find there is no time for date night? You might try going to bed 15 minutes early and talk about 2 or 3 of the conversation starters, plan a lunch together, or a Saturday morning. You could also feed the kids, let them do chores or watch Netflix while the two of you purposefully spend time together. Not only is this good for your marriage, but it is great modeling for the kids. I hope you enjoy these conversation starters. Happy dating!
For more information about marriage or couples counseling, click here.
About the Author
Julia Nelson, LPCA, LMFTA is a psychotherapist and owns a private practice in Flat Rock and Forest City, NC. In general, she specializes in couples counseling, anxiety and depression counseling, premarital counseling, and parenting classes. She is also a Certified Clinical Military Counselor. To find out more about Julia click here: Nelson Christian Counseling.
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