Arguments happen, even in healthy relationships.

It’s how you argue that makes the difference between strengthening your relationship or leading to disconnection.

Recurring arguments about the same subject typically mean there are underlying issues not being worked out. If you’re having the same argument repeatedly with no real resolution, there’s likely a lack of proper communication somewhere. And that can cause you to feel disconnected from your partner. 

So, how can you resolve these recurring arguments and feel closer to your significant other? 

Identify the Argument

If you start out disagreeing about one thing but find yourself constantly slipping back into that recurring subject, stop and acknowledge it for what it is. Identifying the topics you consistently disagree about is the first step to resolving them. 

You may also argue differently when you go over these topics. If it’s something important to you, you might become more passionate or direct with your disagreement style. Therefore, you need to take the time to think about the issues and the way you argue them. 

If you don’t want to identify these issues in the heat of the moment, make a list when you’re calm.

What are the three things you consistently argue about? Ask your partner to do the same. Do your lists match up? If one or two topics overlap, you can build a discussion from there. 

Don’t Lump Arguments Together

Staying on one topic in a disagreement will make it much easier to come to a resolution.

Bringing up things from the past or other subjects of contention while you’re disputing a particular topic never works out well. It can cause unnecessary hurt and drama in an already-tense situation. 

Instead, it’s important to stay focused. It can be tempting to bring up old wounds to gain leverage over your partner, but that never leads to any agreement or a resolution. 

Remember You’re On the Same Team

Speaking of gaining leverage over your partner—you only hurt your relationship further when you do that.

Many times during disagreements, people look for a clear winner and loser. But when you’re in a committed relationship, there is no winner. It shouldn’t even be on your mind. You have to remember: you’re on the same team!

Ultimately, you should want what’s best for your relationship. While you may have different ways of getting there, focus on the goal rather than the journey. That will make it easier to come to some kind of compromise. 

Find Common Ground to Reach a Solution

If the same argument keeps coming up, try to find some common ground with your partner. Talk about which aspects of the problem you absolutely can’t budge on. Then, talk about the things you’re willing to change.

It can be hard to compromise if you’re stuck on not being willing to change even one thing about your stance. But if you give it some thought, surely, there is bound to be something you can be flexible about. 

And when you both show even the slightest bit of flexibility, it will be easier to come to a more peaceful resolution. While it may not be “perfect,” it will stop the same arguments from coming up again and again.

—

Recurring issues in a relationship need to be discussed to keep them from causing damaging disagreements. When you’re both willing to compromise, you can work toward the goal of a resolution together. As a result, you can strengthen your connection and learn better ways of communicating your issues with one another. 

If you’re having relationship issues and don’t know how to resolve them, please contact me today at 828.513.6491 or visit my contact page.

For more information about marriage or couples counseling, click here.

About the Author

Julia Nelson, LPCA, LMFTA is a psychotherapist and owns a private practice in Henderson County, (Flat Rock) NC and Rutherford County, (Forest City) NC. In general, she specializes in couples counseling, anxiety and depression counseling, premarital counseling, and parenting classes.  She is also a Certified Clinical Military Counselor. To find out more about Julia click here: Nelson Christian Counseling.

Want tools for your life and relationship? Get my latest blog post by liking my Facebook page here.